in the span of 2 months.

even a lot more will be happening in the next 3 weeks and then in 3 months as well.

the life of 2 people and 3 young ones will be changed for the best possible outcome.

i love you baby bunny!

i can't do anything graphic design related and i even went to college for it. someone i hold close to me does better designs, linear, to the point and what do i do. some hard to read neon colored crap.

eh, how it goes i guess.

the more i wallow and dwell in sorrow and sadness the more i am pulling myself into the shadows her past has created...

i need to shine, i need to be the beacon of hope in the darkness of her past experiences. i need to be the guiding light to show her this is the way, this is the right way and only way we'll be happy. i shouldn't wallow in pity or negativity.

i should be happy that i've been given this chance and i shouldn't throw it away by feeling sorry for either or both of us. i should be happy that this chance is still here and i'm just being stupid to not take it completely.

it really will only be a fantasy if i don't if i don't do what i have to do wholeheartedly. i need to get my stupid medicine, come home, get my resume printed and business cards as well, list down a few places i am going to apply at and follow up on those until they have no choice but to take me. i have to face the fact that money is a necessity and i should know this by now, there has to be balance.

there has to be a realistic and idealistic and between that should be something holding, tying those two together so they are equal to one another.

i have to show you i am just as strong as you are, because if there's any hint of chink in the armor, that's as good as being unarmed and unarmored.

i'm not saying i am here to save you, i'm simply stating we both are here to be strong and we both know what we have to do to get us to that place of happiness, high above towering over the clouds, overlooking everything...
 

so i guess i'm already starting from a hole that previous people have dug and that's where all the new comers start out. a deeper hole than previously before.

great! i'm gonna die lonely, alone, unhappy i have to face it, that's my reality. i can't win, maybe being a heroin addict was much better because then i know i really had no chance to prove to anyone i can step up to the plate of life.

it's kinda funny looking back at it now, i guess that's one reason addicts never sober up, for security in the wrong places and wrong way of doing/getting it.

i could sell all my shit and i'd still lose right?

i don't know, i really have no purpose now, even more so! no purpose in life! hah! great, i'm set, i know what my future is! nothing! that is if she decides to end what we have now, if that isn't the case, my future is brighter than the sun, supernova, [insert cliche bright thing here]

<3

that's funny, i just wrote a post about marriage somewhat. i wrote in it that marriage doesn't make the couple but loving actions and other things related to that. and i gave as an example, gene simmons' family, he has 2 kids and a beautiful wife and they've been happily together, they've never been married and don't plan on it either!

but there's so many gray areas with polygamy. ever heard of having a polyamorous genitals but monogamous heart? i'm not talking about being a swinger, i'm talking about having relations with a close circle of a few friends, maybe 4-5 at most and in the relationship love ideals, sexual ideals, friendship ideals, etc. see where i'm going with this?

so no, i don't believe the government should have any say with it when it comes to the spiritual and love side of marriage, but for the financial side with taxes, health care, insurance, whatever, all that should have guidelines, as with anything in life, there has to be balance. what that balance is, well it is going to be dependent upon the populous in said region, city, state, whatever. it can't be all black and white, it has to be catered to the population and the kinds of people who live in those areas, no i'm not being racist but it has to be brought up and you can't just ignore those factors, including race and what not and sexual preference.

that's my 2 cents.

peace,
ruan

i'm glad sarah and i got things out of our systems, specifically getting shit done instead of escapism, aka talking on the computer and dreaming. there's nothing wrong with dreaming but as with anything, there has to be balance.

as we got to talking about it and other things related, about her getting shit for talking to me on the phone. i emphasized no, there should be no objections towards you, you have the money, you pay the bills now, the final word is yours, you support you, your kids and him by default so no one should be complaining to you, at you and/or about you.

she then abruptly had to go, to my surprise, she got things done! i'm glad of that, i'm glad it turned out that way, i think we communicated how we both feel towards her situation and ours in general. we need to get this thing moving and we're going to do that! i am currently working on my resume and she's getting things needed to be done, ordering something and perhaps schoolwork, whatever it is, it's getting done while we talk every now and then.

i will however, keep pushing for the phone option, touching base every so often during the light of day while we get errands and other important things done and when nightfall darkens the skies, we can then spend the time talking on the computer.

no one should be getting shit for talking to the person that makes them happy when a)they're paying for the phone bill b)to begin with, she's talking to me because your dumbass can't seem to figure out marriage doesn't mean shit, it doesn't make a couple, love does and what actions you do to affect that relationship, so in other words if she was happy she wouldn't be talking to me or looking for love anywhere else but there in the apartment where a little boy lives among 3 images of herself. c)she's not a possession or object to be possessed

now that, that's out of my system, i know she will do what is necessary so the her and i can be the we that we both desire and begin a new, a much happier new that will never deviate from that happiness like it is now, with her situation: being unnappreciated, complacency in the marriage, sexual frustration and most of all neglecting basic human emotional needs!

that is fucking atrocious! take for example as i said marriage doesn't make the couple, gene simmons and his wife have 2 children and are happy togehter, they have never been married nor plan to be...

<3 ruan

i wake up, i do nothing. i sit around and wait for the only thing that makes me happy everyday it seems, talking to her. but even before i met her, i would wake up and do nothing and hope for a purpose, but i know that purpose is just looking forward to seeing someone i can love and if willed, be loved back. then again, i've always searched for that purpose, that someone.

since writing my feelings down about what little material things mean even a little of value to me, it hasn't changed.

my instruments, clothing, gundam model kits, computer and artwork both traditional and digital.

those are the only material things that have value to me.

needless to say, i can fit all those in a small trailer and leave. i need to leave this place, for good.

what i need to do at this moment, is finish my resume, turn it into a bunch of places that i could have as temporary employment. do nothing but save money, then leave, leave this fucking place.
 

i just finished a photomanipulation piece i and her, i guess, put out to finish. it turned out really well, i'm going to post it on DA and see if anyone notices it's a photomanipulation, i will just post it as stock. ^_^

i love my sarah bunny, i will see her in 4 weeks! mmmmm, valentine's week and valentine's day will be amazing this year!

<3ruan

i can not fucking to anything right. i now know why i never talked because when i open my mouth nothing but fucks up come out and shit, pure shit that causes misery to people that i care about.

i just fucking threw away what i wanted. i mean, who is going to lose out on this, me! this person has known who i wanted longer than i have and that's all that factors in. i've only known her for 1 month and this other person i'm sure for much longer.

i'm never gonna get what i want in life, i will just fuck it up constantly.

thanks! i'm a fucking moron

it doesn't matter if it got resolved, it just shows if i can fuck up something as little as this, in my eyes, what else am i incapable of or i should say capable of fucking up?